God knows...

"Is this a test?! I can't deal with this! God knows exactly how I'll react and it's obviously not well!  Yes, I'm angry at him, heartbroken, and feeling just about every negative emotion right now!  Why in the world wouldn't I?!"  That's exactly how I felt from the middle of August 2009 until about April 2010; even after that April I was recovering.  It took me about until the end of July 2010 to even feel something resembling myself being normal again.  Actually, I cleaned up a lot of the language, which is probably a good thing for this.

"God knows exactly how I'll react and it's obviously not well," is something I started looking back on earlier today;  I've been mulling it over since this morning.  If we accept the proposition that God is a good and loving God, which I do again at least, I think we can be fairly confident that He does not put people through heartbreak or despair or anything like that, but He lets us experience those feelings.  Although, He does test His followers; Just look at Abraham,  Moses, and Job, 1 Peter 1:7, and 1 Thessalonians 2:4, along with a plethora of other Scripture references.  I would say St. Faustina Kowalska was tested, along with St. Damien of Molokai, St. Joan of Arc, St. Peter, so pretty much every saint.  Perhaps it would be better to say that He always has a reason to test us?   It gives glory to God and, in a roundabout (sometimes torturous and confusing) way, I guess it has made my faith stronger.

I really do believe that God knew how I'd react to everything that was happening, even before that August.  At the beginning of the fifth verse of the first chapter of Jeremiah, God says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you," and in Matthew 10:29-31, Jesus states, "Are not two sparrows sold for a small coin? Yet not one of them falls to the ground without your Father’s knowledge.  Even all the hairs of your head are counted.  So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."  Whereas I couldn't imagine where I would be those two and a half years ago, probably laughed in your face, God knew.  I have grown so much and have so much more room to grow.  God knows and it's still hard to wrap my mind around.  He knew what would happen and He comforted me.  This is probably one of the concepts I'll be dealing with and thinking about for the rest of my life.  I don't know if it sounds simple to you, but this is really heavy for me.  I guess what I'm getting at is, it's easy to say "Let go and let God" or "God knows what He's doing" or even just "Trust in the Lord", but, at least for me, thinking about it and seeing how it has happened in my life isn't simple.  This is a big deal and one that definitely bears thinking about.

Anyway, I'd just be rehashing the same thing over and over, so I suppose I'll close now.  Since it is the Feast of the Presentation of Our Lord on Thursday, I'll leave you with the Gregorian Chant of Lumen Ad Revelationem.  Good evening to you all.

What was that again?

Two weeks ago, I tweeted about watching Antiques Roadshow; it was actually how I preferred to watch that instead of the GOP debate (any political debate actually).  The next day I saw that a few people had referenced my tweet, including Debbie Matenopoulos.  I was strangely pleased, and it's probably the closest I'm going to get to meeting any celebrity.  It was just one comment, and a silly one at that, but the recognition felt good.  

Even if we're not seeking the recognition of others when we do things, it's something we appreciate.  We want to be acknowledged for what we do, especially when we do a good job or a job we don't really want to do.  Regardless of whether those who recognize us have a degree of fame or not, the affirmation helps our confidence, as well as doing future tasks.  If we didn't have that affirmation, would we think it was worth doing or doing well?  Do you ever do something and hope that someone mentions that you did a good job?  I know I do, maybe it's not the right motivation to do it, but I can admit my faults.  

Yet, there's a much stronger motivation to do your best in this life, especially in your faith: “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit upon his glorious throne, and all the nations will be assembled before him. And he will separate them one from another, as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats.  He will place the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.  Then the king will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father. Inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.  For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me.’  Then the righteous will answer him and say, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? When did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?  When did we see you ill or in prison, and visit you?’  And the king will say to them in reply, ‘Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me.’"  Matthew 25:31-40.

I can't even imagine what it would feel like to hear that.  Now that's not to say that I'm perfect in my faith-life, as I'm far from perfect, but we all have to strive to live our faith.  If we fall down and let ourselves become lost and remain in the dark, we need to pick ourselves up.  Sometimes we need our friends to assist us in our journeys and struggles (I actually need them constantly), but we also need the Trinity.  If we don't look to God, how are we going to know which way to go and rely on Him? I don't know about you, but I want to hear, "Well done, my good and faithful servant.  I'm trying to keep that as my compass, more and more each day.  Some days I'm more successful, some days I'm less, but I'm doing my best, are you?  

I realize this was kind of a lighter post/reflection, but it'd been on my mind and it's my blog, so I'm gonna do what I want with it.  Anyway to close it out, I'm going to put a video that I just found, by Johanna Philio, and really enjoy, that's very fitting.  

Baby steps

Okay, here's the first of the 2012 posts, a tad bit overdue in my own eyes, but it's been crazy busy.  I'll write about a few of the experiences I've had this week at a later time (hopefully by next week).  However, for now, onward and...well, at least onward.

The past few weeks, we've been encouraged to start keeping a spiritual journal.  I've been somewhat ambivalent towards the whole thing.  I like journaling, but it's a matter of being consistent.  I suppose it's somewhat like blogging, but it requires more dedication.  To an extent, I also suppose I have a stubborn streak (imagine that), as well as being somewhat resistant to being told what to do, even if it's the mildest suggestion.  Yes, I'm a seminarian and I'm somewhat resistant to authority.  So, you ask, what business do I have being a seminarian?  Well, I do my best to conform my heart and will to God's will.  Many times it's not easy, as I have to overcome my own wants and desires.  Also, it won't hurt me to gain more humility, as I can be pretty egotistical at times.  That's something I'm working on too.  Anyway, as for a spiritual journal, there are several benefits to keeping one: reflecting daily on what has happened (or what you pray and hope will happen), it's a form of prayer, you can gain understanding of what you've grown in and what you need to continue to grow in, and gaining a deeper understanding of oneself as a whole person.

On the other hand, I'm still struggling with it because I think to myself, "I already reflect on my day, I know what I've grown in and what I need to work on, and I do understand myself more now than I did even just 6 months ago." And yet, I know that's my pride talking.  So that's one of the struggles going on right now, even though it is a small one. I know the philosophy of "Don't worry about the small stuff", but the small stuff makes up the big stuff.  And in spirituality, we have to worry about the small stuff, even if it's just picking ourselves back up again and working on ways to grow in holiness.  If we don't we'll slip and slide until we find we're in a place we never thought we'd be. Please pray for me as I strive to grow in holiness, and I'm praying for all of you as well.  I also have a few questions, so, if you choose to answer, great, if not, no worries.  Do you have a spiritual journal? If so, was it hard to convince yourself to keep one? If not, have you ever thought of keeping one?  Any comments are always appreciated, have a great night.  And to close it out, I think I'll share Slow Fade by Casting Crowns.