God knows...

"Is this a test?! I can't deal with this! God knows exactly how I'll react and it's obviously not well!  Yes, I'm angry at him, heartbroken, and feeling just about every negative emotion right now!  Why in the world wouldn't I?!"  That's exactly how I felt from the middle of August 2009 until about April 2010; even after that April I was recovering.  It took me about until the end of July 2010 to even feel something resembling myself being normal again.  Actually, I cleaned up a lot of the language, which is probably a good thing for this.

"God knows exactly how I'll react and it's obviously not well," is something I started looking back on earlier today;  I've been mulling it over since this morning.  If we accept the proposition that God is a good and loving God, which I do again at least, I think we can be fairly confident that He does not put people through heartbreak or despair or anything like that, but He lets us experience those feelings.  Although, He does test His followers; Just look at Abraham,  Moses, and Job, 1 Peter 1:7, and 1 Thessalonians 2:4, along with a plethora of other Scripture references.  I would say St. Faustina Kowalska was tested, along with St. Damien of Molokai, St. Joan of Arc, St. Peter, so pretty much every saint.  Perhaps it would be better to say that He always has a reason to test us?   It gives glory to God and, in a roundabout (sometimes torturous and confusing) way, I guess it has made my faith stronger.

I really do believe that God knew how I'd react to everything that was happening, even before that August.  At the beginning of the fifth verse of the first chapter of Jeremiah, God says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you," and in Matthew 10:29-31, Jesus states, "Are not two sparrows sold for a small coin? Yet not one of them falls to the ground without your Father’s knowledge.  Even all the hairs of your head are counted.  So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."  Whereas I couldn't imagine where I would be those two and a half years ago, probably laughed in your face, God knew.  I have grown so much and have so much more room to grow.  God knows and it's still hard to wrap my mind around.  He knew what would happen and He comforted me.  This is probably one of the concepts I'll be dealing with and thinking about for the rest of my life.  I don't know if it sounds simple to you, but this is really heavy for me.  I guess what I'm getting at is, it's easy to say "Let go and let God" or "God knows what He's doing" or even just "Trust in the Lord", but, at least for me, thinking about it and seeing how it has happened in my life isn't simple.  This is a big deal and one that definitely bears thinking about.

Anyway, I'd just be rehashing the same thing over and over, so I suppose I'll close now.  Since it is the Feast of the Presentation of Our Lord on Thursday, I'll leave you with the Gregorian Chant of Lumen Ad Revelationem.  Good evening to you all.